The Awful German Language

In early times some sufferer had to sit up with a toothache, and he put in the time inventing the German language.

Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.

-Mark Twain

I had so many other wonderful things to write about only an hour ago, but after doing my homework, this is what you're getting. If you have some irrational love for Germany to the point of not understanding the loving condemnation I'm about to put forth, stop reading. 

German is an awful language to learn. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the language; hearing it, speaking it, reading it, writing it, all of these aspects of German aren't what irk me. No, it's the whole learning it from scratch as a non-native speaker that I have a beef with. If I had to start all over again, I'd sacrifice my English fluency for German fluency in a heartbeat. Bet you I could create a succinct English sentence 100% faster as a non-native english speaker than I could create an equally challenging German one. Now I don't begin to blame the everyday Germans for the difficulty of their language, no this goes much deeper than this. 

The fact of the matter is, whoever created/manufactured/developed/evolved the German language was a sadistic human being.

Seriously, you know how many times I've talked to my teacher in class, asked her why a rule is some way, and she shrugs her shoulders saying, "that's just the German language." Bet you any of you non-native English speakers ever got that one as an explanation for why something works in English grammar. Matter of fact, any non-native speakers, I have advice for you: ignore English grammar, it will not serve you any good when the people around you have studied the grammatical makeup of the language less than you. 

Oh you've only studied English for one day? That point still stands. 

Back to business, I love German grammar, and even I can't explain some of the things within its make up. But they're things that are so integral to German understanding that you can't just ignore them like English grammar rules. Never does it make sense for there to be so many words that mean different things with different pronunciations. For example, the verbs hören (to hear, listen) gehören (to belong) have the EXACT same past participle "gehört." Now this is not a problem when the sentence is a simple as:

"Heute, habe ich das Radio gehört*"

(Today I listened to the radio)

or

"Ich habe mich zu den Besten gehört"

(I ranked among the best)

Then you have no problems with coming up with the context of the word. But for us learners of German, who actively speak with Germans, or listen to German TV, or read German newspapers, the sentences are more substantial than, "the dog is red." Now context becomes the issue, and I'm sorry if I am listening to you throw out words like "Unabhängigkeit (Freedom/Independence)" and "Schadenfreude (To take pleasure in another person's pain. Not to be confused with sadism)," I could give two ducks about what verb you're about to throw at me. At that point I'm holding on to the seat of my pants making sure the sentence doesn't verbally slaughter me, and then you want me to use context clues to determine which meaning of gehört you wanted to convey? Yeah right. I'd have a better chance of swimming back to the USA.

Oh and this is all because, every other tidbit of information that could be pertinent to the sentence comes before the verb, here I am waiting while you tell me,

"We are having...an awesome time in the mall on the fourth floor, with our friends and our ipod, to music, listening"

Oh if only, if only... Now,I digress to Mark Twain.

Mark Twain was one pretty funny guy if you ask me. 

The Definition of the American Dream:
From rapper to well respected actor in 2.5.

Sometimes people criticize comics for their "lack of intellectualism" but to me there's a lot left to be desired by such a half-hearted personal attack. 

You see, there's this little compilation of texts that Marky Mark (not to be confused with Mark Walhberg circa 1990) wrote called "The Awful German Language" and in all honesty, it's probably the most accurate decry of the German language.  Usually I don't like to use other people's words unless there the best expression of the thought and although I've already given some of my own insight into the issue, I thought it'd be appropriate for you to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.




Below are a few of the most beautiful quotes on the German language I've read as given by Mark Twain's textual compilation, and anyone who's learning German will probably find more humor in this than others. Those who aren't, just keep reading anyway, you may still find yourself chuckling as well: 

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Some German words are so long that they have a perspective. Observe
these examples:

Freundschaftsbezeigungen.
Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten.
Stadtverordnetenversammlungen.

These things are not words, they are alphabetical processions.
Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen.
Alterthumswissenschaften.
Kinderbewahrungsanstalten.
Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen.
Wiedererstellungbestrebungen.
Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen
.

Of course when one of these grand mountain ranges goes stretching acrossthe printed page, it adorns and ennobles that literary landscape but at the same time it is a great distress to the new student, for it blocks up his way; ... "

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Every noun has a gender, and there is no sense or system in the distribution; so the gender of each must be learned separately and by heart. There is no other way. To do this one has to have a memory like a memorandum-book. In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has. Think what overwrought reverence that shows for the turnip, and what callous disrespect for the girl. See how it looks in print -- I translate this from a conversation in one of the best of the German Sunday-school books:

"Gretchen.

Wilhelm, where is the turnip?

Wilhelm.

She has gone to the kitchen.

Gretchen.

Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden?

Wilhelm.

It has gone to the opera."

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My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then, that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it.

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A dog is "der Hund"; a woman is "die Frau"; a horse is "das Pferd"; now you put that dog in the genitive case, and is he the same dog he was before? No, sir; he is "des Hundes"; put him in the dative case and what is he? Why, he is "dem Hund." Now you snatch him into the accusative case and how is it with him? Why, he is "den Hunden." But suppose he happens to be twins and you have to pluralize him- what then? Why, they'll swat that twin dog around through the 4 cases until he'll think he's an entire international dog-show all in is own person. I don't like dogs, but I wouldn't treat a dog like that- I wouldn't even treat a borrowed dog that way. Well, it's just the same with a cat. They start her in at the nominative singular in good health and fair to look upon, and they sweat her through all the 4 cases and the 16 the's and when she limps out through the accusative plural you wouldn't recognize her for the same being. Yes, sir, once the German language gets hold of a cat, it's goodbye cat. That's about the amount of it.

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Mark Twain was one smart guy if you ask me.

Now, I hope I've brought some knowledge about by not only my own words but those of someone who's far more studied and had a huge access of knowledge about the topic we're, in tandem, discussing. And as a parting gift, I say this to you: 

For all of you who, after reading this have given up your desire to learn the German language. Good. 

For all of you who, after reading this are even more determined to learn the German language. Better.

For all of you who, after reading this are learning the Spanish/Italian/French/Arabic/Russian, etc.. language. Even Better.

For all of you who, after reading, knew all of this, but were still determined to learn the German language. Best.  

*Careful, if you think you can bust up your German knowledge and make as many sentences about what you listened           to with this same construction, you've got another think coming. 

Because of course, to listen to the radio, and listen to...say your iPod need different constructions. While the first is completely accurate for radio, if you're ACTIVELY listening to something it'd look something like this "Heute habe ich an meinem iPod gehört"

It is truly, an awful, wonderful language.