The Awful German Language

In early times some sufferer had to sit up with a toothache, and he put in the time inventing the German language.

Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.

-Mark Twain

I had so many other wonderful things to write about only an hour ago, but after doing my homework, this is what you're getting. If you have some irrational love for Germany to the point of not understanding the loving condemnation I'm about to put forth, stop reading. 

German is an awful language to learn. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the language; hearing it, speaking it, reading it, writing it, all of these aspects of German aren't what irk me. No, it's the whole learning it from scratch as a non-native speaker that I have a beef with. If I had to start all over again, I'd sacrifice my English fluency for German fluency in a heartbeat. Bet you I could create a succinct English sentence 100% faster as a non-native english speaker than I could create an equally challenging German one. Now I don't begin to blame the everyday Germans for the difficulty of their language, no this goes much deeper than this. 

The fact of the matter is, whoever created/manufactured/developed/evolved the German language was a sadistic human being.

Seriously, you know how many times I've talked to my teacher in class, asked her why a rule is some way, and she shrugs her shoulders saying, "that's just the German language." Bet you any of you non-native English speakers ever got that one as an explanation for why something works in English grammar. Matter of fact, any non-native speakers, I have advice for you: ignore English grammar, it will not serve you any good when the people around you have studied the grammatical makeup of the language less than you. 

Oh you've only studied English for one day? That point still stands. 

Back to business, I love German grammar, and even I can't explain some of the things within its make up. But they're things that are so integral to German understanding that you can't just ignore them like English grammar rules. Never does it make sense for there to be so many words that mean different things with different pronunciations. For example, the verbs hören (to hear, listen) gehören (to belong) have the EXACT same past participle "gehört." Now this is not a problem when the sentence is a simple as:

"Heute, habe ich das Radio gehört*"

(Today I listened to the radio)

or

"Ich habe mich zu den Besten gehört"

(I ranked among the best)

Then you have no problems with coming up with the context of the word. But for us learners of German, who actively speak with Germans, or listen to German TV, or read German newspapers, the sentences are more substantial than, "the dog is red." Now context becomes the issue, and I'm sorry if I am listening to you throw out words like "Unabhängigkeit (Freedom/Independence)" and "Schadenfreude (To take pleasure in another person's pain. Not to be confused with sadism)," I could give two ducks about what verb you're about to throw at me. At that point I'm holding on to the seat of my pants making sure the sentence doesn't verbally slaughter me, and then you want me to use context clues to determine which meaning of gehört you wanted to convey? Yeah right. I'd have a better chance of swimming back to the USA.

Oh and this is all because, every other tidbit of information that could be pertinent to the sentence comes before the verb, here I am waiting while you tell me,

"We are having...an awesome time in the mall on the fourth floor, with our friends and our ipod, to music, listening"

Oh if only, if only... Now,I digress to Mark Twain.

Mark Twain was one pretty funny guy if you ask me. 

The Definition of the American Dream:
From rapper to well respected actor in 2.5.

Sometimes people criticize comics for their "lack of intellectualism" but to me there's a lot left to be desired by such a half-hearted personal attack. 

You see, there's this little compilation of texts that Marky Mark (not to be confused with Mark Walhberg circa 1990) wrote called "The Awful German Language" and in all honesty, it's probably the most accurate decry of the German language.  Usually I don't like to use other people's words unless there the best expression of the thought and although I've already given some of my own insight into the issue, I thought it'd be appropriate for you to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.




Below are a few of the most beautiful quotes on the German language I've read as given by Mark Twain's textual compilation, and anyone who's learning German will probably find more humor in this than others. Those who aren't, just keep reading anyway, you may still find yourself chuckling as well: 

-------------------------------------

Some German words are so long that they have a perspective. Observe
these examples:

Freundschaftsbezeigungen.
Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten.
Stadtverordnetenversammlungen.

These things are not words, they are alphabetical processions.
Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen.
Alterthumswissenschaften.
Kinderbewahrungsanstalten.
Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen.
Wiedererstellungbestrebungen.
Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen
.

Of course when one of these grand mountain ranges goes stretching acrossthe printed page, it adorns and ennobles that literary landscape but at the same time it is a great distress to the new student, for it blocks up his way; ... "

-------------------------------------

Every noun has a gender, and there is no sense or system in the distribution; so the gender of each must be learned separately and by heart. There is no other way. To do this one has to have a memory like a memorandum-book. In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has. Think what overwrought reverence that shows for the turnip, and what callous disrespect for the girl. See how it looks in print -- I translate this from a conversation in one of the best of the German Sunday-school books:

"Gretchen.

Wilhelm, where is the turnip?

Wilhelm.

She has gone to the kitchen.

Gretchen.

Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden?

Wilhelm.

It has gone to the opera."

-------------------------------------

My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then, that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it.

-------------------------------------

A dog is "der Hund"; a woman is "die Frau"; a horse is "das Pferd"; now you put that dog in the genitive case, and is he the same dog he was before? No, sir; he is "des Hundes"; put him in the dative case and what is he? Why, he is "dem Hund." Now you snatch him into the accusative case and how is it with him? Why, he is "den Hunden." But suppose he happens to be twins and you have to pluralize him- what then? Why, they'll swat that twin dog around through the 4 cases until he'll think he's an entire international dog-show all in is own person. I don't like dogs, but I wouldn't treat a dog like that- I wouldn't even treat a borrowed dog that way. Well, it's just the same with a cat. They start her in at the nominative singular in good health and fair to look upon, and they sweat her through all the 4 cases and the 16 the's and when she limps out through the accusative plural you wouldn't recognize her for the same being. Yes, sir, once the German language gets hold of a cat, it's goodbye cat. That's about the amount of it.

-------------------------------------

Mark Twain was one smart guy if you ask me.

Now, I hope I've brought some knowledge about by not only my own words but those of someone who's far more studied and had a huge access of knowledge about the topic we're, in tandem, discussing. And as a parting gift, I say this to you: 

For all of you who, after reading this have given up your desire to learn the German language. Good. 

For all of you who, after reading this are even more determined to learn the German language. Better.

For all of you who, after reading this are learning the Spanish/Italian/French/Arabic/Russian, etc.. language. Even Better.

For all of you who, after reading, knew all of this, but were still determined to learn the German language. Best.  

*Careful, if you think you can bust up your German knowledge and make as many sentences about what you listened           to with this same construction, you've got another think coming. 

Because of course, to listen to the radio, and listen to...say your iPod need different constructions. While the first is completely accurate for radio, if you're ACTIVELY listening to something it'd look something like this "Heute habe ich an meinem iPod gehört"

It is truly, an awful, wonderful language. 

Water, Water, Everywhere

My third Sunday in Germany has come and is quickly ending. Everything up to this point has been pretty awesome and I dedicated today to homework and watching The Wire for as many hours as I could stomach vegetating. Clearly I'm taking a break from all of the other super productive things I've done today (e.g. eating, listening to music, reading stupid German articles to try and better myself) to do some keyboard magic. As we can see, I have very few complaints thus far, of course it takes a bit of time to adjust to certain differences but I'd argue that that's part of the process. But I have the largest inclination to complain about something. So brace yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, for the most immaculate condemnation of Germany I can come up with after a two week spread.

The Most Accessible Water in All of Germany

Where in the world is my water?

I'm sure that this has been a problem the past two times I've been in Alemania but I think that the third time it's been greatly exacerbated by the fact that I'll be here for an entire year. Like seriously, Germany, step up your game. I guess I need to explain myself a bit more before bashing a country I sometimes consider as homely to me as the great US of A. To put it bluntly, sometimes water seems as scarce in the industrialized country of Germany as it would be in the Sahara. Where are my water fountains? Where are my free glasses of water at restaurants? Where are my free toilets? Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure if I were dying of dehydration I'd place a larger stake in finding water in the Sahara than walking into a restaurant and asking for a free glass of tap water. Not only would they look at me like I had the plague (I imagine I'd look pretty bad if I were dying of dehydration so this wouldn't be too much of a shock), but they'd briskly ask me to shovel over some exorbitant amount of money, like 2.50 for a glass of mineral water. Are you kidding?

Dude, I'm DYING of dehydration, and you want me to PAY you for water? If I had enough time to wait, I could just stand outside with my neck craned up to the heavens like a turkey and save myself the 2.50. Instead, my haggard soul has to pay the price for your hoarding  of the most abundant resource on the entire planet. Of course this is all hyperbolic, but would not be too shocked to see some semblance of this event play out in Liebe Deutschland.

I envy you buddy...

Honestly, it's like water is the Nemo to my Marlin. Now I'm no expert on the ocean, but if a freaking clownfish (who's not that funny, by the way) can find his son lost somewhere in the Pacific, why in the world can't I find a water fountain somewhere in a city? It just doesn't add up.

If anything got lost in translation by the way, this is not an event that is limited strictly to restaurants. Gambling on walking into that shopping mall and finding a water fountain? Nah-uh. How about the local park? People will be active so of course it would make sense to build in a water fountain for the little whipper-snappers to refuel themselves under the sun.  Nice try. Well I'll definitely be able to fill up my water bottle in a nice, sanitary water fountain when I get to language school, right?  How about the tap in the bathroom, that's a great alternative.

Hell, it wouldn't catch me by surprise if their professional athletes have to put down a deposit to drink water during their games just to make sure that they get their bottles back.

 I don't know if I'm exaggerating that I have seen only one or two installations of free, accessible water in Germany, the first I remember vibrantly because I thought they'd be all over the place, is located in the Ohm-Gymnasium in Erlangen. The second musta been somewhere else or maybe I just started seeing mirages during my debilitating dehydration.

By the way, I was at the Ohm-Gymnasium in 2008. That's...1...2...3...4 years ago, and 1...2...3..trips to Germany but only 1...2...water fountains. Peculiar? I'd say so.

The irony of this all, is of course, that even though I wish there were more water in Germany, I'm pretty sure I've manifested a beautiful ability to rehydrate myself primarily with beer. Why in the world would I spend 2 euros on a bottle of water (this is really no exaggeration) when I can buy a bottle of beer for 1.30. You know all those stereotypes about Germans and their beer? It's stuff like this that keeps them perpetuated.

Matter of fact, let's re-run this hyperbolic example of earlier. Still dying, still dehydrated, but this time instead of water, I ask for a beer. Now in my experiences in Germany, I've gotten my fair share of free beer (must have something to do with my bubbly visage) but I think the only place I can recall consistently getting free water was at my uncle's house and at my internship. Logical. The first one is a family member, what else can I expect? The second was receiving a service from me, of course they don't want me croaking on the job. These Germans and their logic!

Whatever, I think I'm getting dizzy because of the lack of water so I may have to cut this venting session off pretty shortly. I guess I can leave you with one piece of advice that will serve you well if you're traveling to Alemania for an extended period of time. Bring a water purifier and a water bottle or maybe seven, depending on how much water you think you need to drink during a day out in the city. Cause once you leave home, there's no telling when you'll find yourself wandering across a marvelous German oasis.

Okay, I think I've done everything I set out to do this Sunday. Going to go look for water in the Sahara now, because Germany sure as heck doesn't have enough.

A Tale of Two Cities

Twas the best of times...

This weekend has been filled with a bunch of fun adventures and I will get to them all in due course, I promise, but at the top of my mind right now is my trip to Dusseldorf, which occurred on Saturday with a few of my fellow PPPers. It was eye opening, to say the least.

Cologne and Dusseldorf have a peculiar relationship at best. Peculiar because there is nothing like it (that I have seen) in the United States. You'd be hard pressed to find someone who'd lived in Cologne for a long time that would call Dusseldorf a lovely city, the opposite is also true. What's funny is that there is such a tangible animosity between the two cities that you would think they would have some really tangible differences. Like seriously, you will get scorned if you ask a Cologne waiter or waitress for Dusseldorf's beer, and visa versa. Additionally, I've met some lifers from Cologne who say they've only been to Dusseldorf like once or twice in their entire existences. Really? Once or twice and you live like two blocks (hyperbole for anyone who can't discern sarcasm) from the other city? That's really unacceptable As far as I'm concerned, they're not different enough to solicit the type of back and forth bickering that the cities engage in. Seriously, from people, to beer, to city types, to soccer, the cities seem to argue back and forth. So here I am to give my completely "unbiased" (it's not like I'm living in Cologne or anything) opinion on the matter.

Starting with the most important aspect first...

Beer:

"How Kolsch is brewed."

"Before it Gets Old (Alt = old)"

Germans sure are serious about their beer*. So it comes as no surprise that at the crux of any rivalry would be a discorse about which beer tasted better. Well I've tried both of them, and in my humblest of opinions, Alt is the undisputed winner. The right-most picture, a clever little piece of advertising seems to sum it all up for me, Kolsch doesn't really taste like much of anything; it's not the best of tastes to me, but remember, this is my humblest of opinions. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to exaggerate it to the Dusseldorfian (yes, I made that up) extreme, of comparing it to horse piss. But Alt just has a bit more flavor to it and at the time of my evaluation** I had a proclivity for flavor over the steady flow of Kolsch, which is to me, a drink that puts me in the mindset of a rich man's American beer. You know? Light taste, easy to drink, able to drink numerous ones, but without the sickening grimace that's a requisite every time I crack open a can of Miller Lite. I'm a beer elitest. Sue me.

The undisputed winner. 

City Culture:

I guess this one isn't really fair to be completely honest. The cities are 25 minutes away from each other, on the same continent, in the same country, within the same state, but in my defense, there seem to be some distinct differences in the two cultures. Cologne is a much more touristy city from what I've seen, maybe it's the size of the city (4th most populated in Germany) or that there are some awesome sights to see, but there are always photos being snapped and all that jazz. Not to mention the university scene at Cologne seems to be pretty awesome, I've yet to venture into the university that much but it seems like a beautiful area.

On the other hand, the state capital, Dusseldorf, seems to be a snap shot of picturesque beauty and has mastered the ability to mask itself as a small city. It's the most ethnically diverse city in Germany, not to mention, some well respected academics seem to think it's a nice place to live***. I'm going to defer to their opinion...I mean, just check out some of these shots.

People:

Although I haven't quite gotten to know very many Germans, this one is based on my perceptions and what I've heard. Dusseldorf people are really stylish. The city is known for its fashion and for the amazing diversity in the city. It has the most people of Japanese heritage in Germany and it was very apparent the diversity of the city. But with that being said, I didn't see too much that would have swayed me away from my belief that the people in Cologne are some of the nicest I've met in Germany. Even close to overtaking Bavarians as the nicest conglomerate of German peoples.

Even to the Cologne dialect, which I've been picking up steadily just sounds fun. Words like nein and nichts become nuu (how you think it sounds) and nix. It's just fun. Cologne people are fun. I'm sure Dusseldorfians**** are too but I haven't seen it and I didn't hear any awesome slang there. So I'm gonna stick with what I know on this one *****.


Final Evaluation:

This has only been a snippet of a review of Dusseldorf and Cologne. Let's not forget that I've been in both cities for insignificant amounts of time, but from the feel of it, it seems Dusseldorf MAY have an upper hand on Cologne aesthetically and concerning my food/drink palate, but I've only tried one type of Alt beer and a few types of Kolsch. I've also only been to tiny amounts of both cities so this evaluation is really more of a prediction of which city I'll like better after the year******. As for now, after spending a week in Cologne and a day in Dusseldorf, I'd say I'm happy where I am. Yes, that's the biggest cop out answer in the world, because I'm not really answering the question, but maybe I just explained to myself WHY there is a rivalry, it's because both cities have such great things to offer it's hard to choose. Wow, this was really a learning experience for me, since I didn't really understand what the big deal about the rivalry was until putting some serious thought to it. Still I don't know the origins of the rivalry, of its importance (besides some awesome beer campaigning) and whether I will I ever come up with a concrete answer.

Who knows. As for now, I'm just going to grab a bottle of Kolsch wishing it were Alt, and keep it moving.

 Footnotes

* I'm currently compiling a list of every German beer I've consumed and I think one of my final blog posts will be the notes I have on them to any wayfarer or beer lover's delight.

** Evaluation was done at the steps of the Cologne Cathedral upon our return to Dusseldorf. Each PPPer drank a bottle of Kolsch and Alt in secession. It was quite a lovely finishing touch if you I do say so myself.

*** Note that the list's first American city is not within the Top 25. We've got a lot of catching up to do guys, how about we start with...hmm...well this is embarrassing.

**** I should REALLY get a copyright out for that one.

***** As an aside, I was really hard-pressed to give this win to Cologne because of the events while saw while walking through the shopping area in Dusseldorf. The video below, well..it speaks for itself.

****** Unlike most people who will be leaving the Nord-Rhein Westfalen state area after language school ends in September, I'll be here the duration of the year. I don't know which city it will be yet, but I certainly wouldn't mind staying in Cologne, or perpetuating the battle even further and living in Dusseldorf to get a huge boost on my evaluation.

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Oh! Back to school... back to school... back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

I always wondered what my first day of school would be like. Don't mistake what I'm saying, of course I've attended school before, but this was something wholly different. There's always been some sort of familiarity in schooling, I was pretty socialized on the way the American school system works and really nothing has caught me by surprise so far in my studies in the US of A.

Side note: It'd be very interesting to see if I hold this same opinion once I attend law school. Who knows? Maybe I'll blog about my adventures as a 1L. What do you guys think? 

You'd suppose that I'd be used to school, and in many aspects I am, but there are so many things about my first day of Sprachschule (language school) that have thrown me for a loop. As part of the CBYX/PPP (Parlementarisches Patentschafts Programm)  us Americans start at the Carl Duisburg Center for language school. The schools are located in Cologne, Saarbruecken and Radolfzell (as are us PPPlers), and all follow a uniform teaching/learning methodology. I suppose I can start with the logistics of the matter: the language school is divided into different sections, depending on how well we performed on written and oral practice. They are as follows:

-----

A1: Basic understanding of the German language (hi my name is...) 
A2: Can engage in very direct conversational exchanges (let's go to the mall...) 

B1: Intermediate understanding of German language (I want to be a lawyer...where is the mall from here...) 
B2: Can engage in conversation within native speaker without strain, can understand interesting complex textual topics can explain an number of topical issues (I think that...I feel as if...) 

C1: Advanced understanding of German language, does not need strain to engage in conversation with native speakers (I think that, because of that, and in spite of that...) 
C2: Can understand almost everything in a nuanced manner, prepared to attend university. 

-----

So after speaking with some of the teachers at the and taking an online exam, I was placed in the B2 group. I'm excited about my placement, if not only because my teacher rocks and because I'm in a class with familiar, bright faces, as well as some new ones, that will motivate me to improve my German every day. Yet, the competitor in me wonders if I would have been placed in a higher class had I not taken such a massive break from German during my undergraduate studies. Oh well, no use crying over spilled milk is there? 

Back to my teacher. I think I've always had really great luck with German teachers. I will, without hesitation credit certain teachers for my infatuation with Germany even if it seems incongruent with my professional ambitions. Anyone who went to Chapel Hill High School and took German knows exactly who I'm talking about. But if the first day of school is any indication, my new German teacher is going to make learning an entirely new experience. Minus a little potshot she took at Bavaria (my undisputedly favorite part of Germany so far) I'm thoroughly interested in what she's got to offer in my German development. The whole time she spoke, it was in German, and it did something to my confidence to understand every word she spoke. Granted, understanding has never been my biggest challenge, I want to speak like a German, and sometimes I do and it's refreshing but often I know there's a BETTER way to say something in German. 

You know what's really frustrating? And something I have noticed time and time again. Something that grates my gears, yet I have to deal with it every single day in Germany? I'm not sure I'm a better speaker of German than those just learning to speak. I often observe young kids spewing out German sentences left and right and a little part of my soul dies. 

It's as if every one of my personal Horcruxes is placed inside each one of those little twelve or thirteen year olds and every time they spit off a sentence I don't understand...

BANG! There it goes. 

I honestly don't know how much of this I can take where else can I store my German soul but in its hopeful youth? What am I supposed to do when I can't feel more competent than a child? Study more? Speak more? Sure, that'll help, but will it make me forget my mediocre German speaking or the uphill battle? Probably not, but as of now the scoreline reads something like 

German Kids: 100  Clifford: 0. 

This is getting depressing, I'm going to go study. 

My Fellow Americans...

Riddle me this:

What do an eighteen year old Swiss girl, an aspiring female Russian dermatologist, and a twenty-two year old African American male all have in common?

Came up with anything?

I'll give you a few more seconds...

Their ability to consistently and systematically butcher the German language

My Room! 

I'm in Cologne now, everything is situated and I have my nice room with closets and beds, and tv, a kitchen right across the hall a bathroom and a dining room. My land lady or "Vermieter" in German, seems to be nice enough, if not a little reserved. I really wanted a very active host family, one that would want to speak with me in German for hours on end and learn about me, but as of day one, it seems this is strictly business.

But I'm practicing finding silver linings in things.

As much as a minor letdown this is, I can't complain because I have two really interesting people who also happen to be renting out rooms here. And if you didn't deduce it yourself, yes they are the Swiss and Russian from my aforementioned riddle. It's actually pretty amazing, we communicate in German, since it is our only common language. Although we certainly don't sound like native speakers (our sentences generally adding up to something like this: "you would to the city to go want?"), there's something refreshing about speaking without the crutch of English to hold me back.

They've also got a network in Cologne and have happily added me into it, in three days I have four new friends, none from the US and it's really an amazing thing to have.  Additionally, they are both also taking classes at the language school I'll be attending in which classes start Monday so it gives me something to look forward to since I've heard positive things from them. They've both commented on how I don't sound American, I wonder, what is an American really supposed to sound like? Regardless, I'm okay with breaking down their stereotypes.

Like I said, silver lining.

I must say, I am thoroughly excited about Cologne. It has such a rich history and some very beautiful sights that I will be sure to see as early and often as possible. I feel the need to enrich people's thinking, so if you don't have much familiarity with the city of Cologne, check out their website, it'll do you some good until I can bring you a different perspective.

I'm sure I will talk about the city, and how much fun I've had so far, but perhaps that's more suited for after this weekend when I've done a a few more things I'm longing to do. For now, you can just check out a couple photos of the Cologne Cathedral and some duckies on the water.

What I actually wanted to write about today was a few things I learned from these people about the perception of Americans. If I were a European and my experiences had been like any of the ones I have heard about thus far, I'd be pretty skeptical of us Americans too. So be wary, if you do any of these things, you will get a serious side eye from our neighbors across the pond.

But honestly, come on, if you do any of these things that I've heard us Amis are privy of doing stop, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Kill yourself.

But please don't actually, then you can't improve on these things.

1. You say "like" after every other word...in a FOREIGN LANGUAGE. What the heck is wrong with you? It's not bad enough that you interject "like" into every single english sentence, but now you have to infect other cultures with this nonsense? Advice: take a deep breath, think through your sentence and keep it rolling.

Clearly a VISIBLE difference!

2. You do not know that Switzerland and Sweden are different places. I really don't have to much room to talk on Geography because alas, it is one of my weaker subjects but there's a difference between location familiarity and location recognition. First and formost, Switzerland is LANDLOCKED by not only Germany, but also Italy, France & Austria. The other has accessible coasts. Just like their countries are different, so are their cultures. Swedes are different than the Swiss, you want some good chocolate, great social care and beautiful aesthetics, go to Switzerland. Not your things? Okay, well Sweden is really big on cinema, they're extremely open and their fashion seems to get to the States easily enough (H&M anyone?). Seriously though...do not travel to Europe without knowing such acute distinctions these. Or at least enough to know their two different locations. Sheesh.

P.S. Out of the kindness of my heart, I've provided you, of such acute cultural awareness, a map of Europe, just in case you want to learn yourself.

3. You do not attempt to learn the language of where you are staying. This one is nuanced, if you're going to Poland for 1.5 days, I don't expect you to pick up anything, maybe a hello and a good day, but that's it. This is really a condemnation for those people who, after being somewhere an extended period of time, do not even attempt to pick up the niceties of the language. Not okay dude.

Okay, my slight venting period is over, I don't even know if it's worth it to point out these wholly unacceptable behaviors here, there are way to many people for this message to get out to everyone, so I suppose the message is: do your best not to portray any of these unappealing views of Americans in Europe.

And some people wonder why Europeans have criticisms of Americans. Trust me, if you said "like" after every word, I wouldn't like you either.

Departure/Abfahrt: The German Prep-Test

Well today's the day (I started writing this on 7/31, didn't finish til today...)! My sister and I bounced ideas off of each other for clever titles for this blog, something that was clever enough to illicit a smile but relayed something about my person. Before the fun begins I have to go ahead give her credit for coming up with this genius title. Hopefully the content will match her genius.

It all starts today, me and seventy-four other awesome people have won fellowships to spend a year in Germany, the experience is broken up into three segments: two months language school, four months of study, five months of working/internship and then the remaining time is free to travel. Basically everything is being paid for by funding through the United States Congress and its German equivalent the Deutscher Bundestag so I have to give my sincerest thanks to both entities for the amazing opportunity.

 This blog will chronicle my trials and tribulations in the most interesting and fun way possible and also immerse you into the brain of a twenty two year old African American with big ambitions invading the German culture as fully as possible.

So...let the fun begin!

I don't have any fun stories to tell of Germany yet, so let's get some things out of the way that you may want to know if you don't know me well. The name's Clifford but you can call me Cliff, Cliffy, Red Dog, or anything your heart pleases. I graduated from Morehouse College in May of 2012 and after this awesome year will be attending Stanford Law School to (obviously) pursue my JD. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends that have supported me along the way and I am writing this blog in the hope that everyone can enjoy my writing & live vicariously through me.

Let's have some fun today, might as well since I'm being creative. You ever had a class before? Of course you have, you're reading this blog. So then you know all about that dastardly pre-test that some professors suggest in order to get a familiarity with student's skills and then give the same test after the course to see how much they've learned? Well I think I'm gonna try that with Germany, so here goes...

The German Prep-Test

Section I. American Things I'll Miss

Since I'm a morbidly obese person trapped in the body of an athlete, I'll start with...

1A. Food

Chick-fil-a Chicken Sandwich: As bad as it may sound thanks to ferver between CFA and the homosexual community, that sandwich has been part of my dietary habits for quite some time. I do not condone the close-minded thinking of the food chains and although I have mixed feelings about expressing controversial views, 365 days is a long time without it.

Philly Cheese-Steak: I know I will try my hand at both the previous recipe and the one here, but I'm not sure there is anything comparable to  cheese wiz in Germany and I'd think the same goes for American mayonnaise, so this one will be sorely missed.

Sugary Cereal: There's nothing like a bowl of something "fruity" for breakfast. It's convenient, it's tasty, and it brings my back into my childhood but not sure it's as accessible in Liebe Deutschland so guess I'll be a grown man for at least a year.

PB & J: This one's kinda cheating. I know I'll miss JIF peanut butter, but just know that without it, I'm at a loss for midnight snacks.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream: Do they even know what cookie dough is in Germany? I've been twice and never seen it so I'm gonna go ahead and say no. The heck am I supposed to watch movies with?

Popcorn: [See above]

1B. Entertainment

Urban Music: Call it whatever you want, but one of my favorite ways to decompress is to listen to the most ignorant music I can find (See: 2 Chainz). It's hard to find that music in Germany, especially since the best way I got to it was with my friends, which brings us to...

Friends: Naturally I'll make plenty of new ones in Germany but the familiarity of friendship is something I'm sure I'll notice very quickly. I'll miss the convenience of talking to people about every little insignificant thing.

Never know what you've got...

Pandora: Of course there are IP blockers that can let me get it on my computer, but what am I gonna do to get my musical voyager on my iPhone for those train/bike/walking commutes? Speaking of my iPhone...


AT &T: I have a German SIM card and my iPhone was unlocked kindly by some lady at AT & T named Kim (thanks Kim!), but there's something about quick loading times for the internet, streaming YouTube videos, and checking social media that doesn't quite translate to a prepaid data plan. Oh the benefits of capitalism.

Sports: Germany is very close to the prime meridian. America is not. In America, my favorite sporting events air at convenient times. In Germany, they do not. See the dilemma? This is extremely problematic for basketball, since games are multiple days a week, and generally later in the day. Fortunately I think I'll get to watch the Cam Newton Show coming to a TV near you on September 9th, 2012.

1C. Clothing

Shoes: Get to know this now, I'm a shoe person. I packed eight pairs for a year and it was one of the hardest things I 've ever had to do in my life. I left some of my favorite pairs of shoes at home and I won't see them for a year. Imagine my struggle. *sarcasm*

Summer Clothes: Germany has a summer? Could have fooled me.

Versatility: You ever packed a year's worth of life in a suitcase, a duffle bag and a backpack? I have. And I can tell you that I sacrificed some of my clothing personality as a result; I think I'll miss the ability to mix and match as frequently as I like.

Section 2. The German Things I'll Appreciate

Let's not forget I'm still fat...

2A. Food







Doner Kebab: I can't begin to explain how wonderful the turkish delicacy is. All I can say is try one yourself, I mean, who could resist such a delicious looking item?

Wiener Schnitzel: For those of you who've read my blog before, you know I have an irrational love for this breaded delicacy. It's so succulent and with the right mix of potato and veggies I don't think I've had a better German meal 

Wurst: This is a pretty general thing to appreciate but I like pretty much all types of sausage in Germany and I'm excited to try them in new and creative ways. Of course there are certain things I stay away just because...I couldn't possibly fathom eating them, one of them happens to be Blutwurst.

Healthy Eating: Fruit, vegetables, all those wonderful things that I sometimes under appreciate in America I think I'll focus on more here, especially since they're cheap and taste soo much better than their American counterparts. 

2B. Lifestyle

Culture Shock: It'll be one of the first things I experience, but I think it will also be fascinating to experience throughout the rest of my life. I enjoy the rush of learning about new people, cultures and behaviors. Just because I've been to Germany before doesn't mean I won't have a bunch of new experiences that I'll be completely unprepared for culturally. Something about that screams awesome. 

Healthy Living: I suppose this could link in to the last health one, there's just something about more walking, biking and outdoor activity that I think is going to do my body and spirit good. I'm sure it's plenty invigorating to live without relying so much on American convenience. I'm not tryna end up like the people in Wall-E.

Public Transportation: It's just one of those things we under appreciate in America, and I thoroughly enjoy the commuter train lifestyle. We'll see how often I'll actually be train riding (depending on how far I am from my language school, work, university) but it's such an awesome lifestyle, so I can't be mad.

Travelling: Who needs a better explanation? Not only is Germany an amazing country, but since Europe is so dense I can get to most places pretty easily and I'm sure that'll come into play later in this blog, as for now, it's Cologne that's my focus.

Test End 

That was a fun mental exercise, I'm sure that there is much more that I'll be appreciating about Germany and missing about America but that will come with time. We'll see how the post-test goes.