Once again, I have had nothing to write about for the past week. Maybe the new and different things I see in Germany have stopped having an effect on me, maybe I've gotten into such a routine that there haven't been as many opportunities for weird things to happen to me, or maybe I've just had writer's block. Regardless, the foreseeable future doesn't look to bright unless I force myself out of this slump right now. So, for your enjoyment and reading pleasure, I'm going to write about something I have yet to touch on in huge detail throughout this year: myself.
Gah...I know, I know! I'm wholly uninteresting, even boring compared to an entire country, a lovely little land, such as Germany, but I'll add a twist to keep you interested. I'm going to write about how I think I've changed thanks to Germany. Pay attention, because this will be the most times I ever use a so many personal and personal possessive pronouns in writing, ever. That in itself should merit a quick read.
Who am I? It's a question people ask themselves at various stages of life.
There is the youth, who is just starting to develop a wider (for everyone in Germany, the first time I wrote "breiter." This switching your brain back and forth thing is for the birds) sense of personal understanding and recognition. They are, per realism theory, beginning to maximize their self-interest and Kantian utilty. The questions they ask themselves are as follow: "What type of shoes should I make mom buy me so the kids think I'm cool?" "What sport should I play?" "I don't want to take piano lessons anymore, why should my parents make me!?" and so on and so forth.
There is the post-pubescent. He is moody, angry, angsty, and passionate. The questions he asks himself are much more intimately related to the confusing phase of life he's in. "Should I try drugs?" "Do I want to have sex?" "Why are my parents so controlling?" "Where are my friends?" Interestingly enough, this post´-pubescent mode of thinking is very limited to the present, rarely do the questions of the future dominate the thought process. The question of, "What do I want to do with my life" comes in the next phase.
There is the late teens, early twenties mentality. It starts off very similar to the post-pubescent thinking: self-gratifying--actually rather similar to the rationally acting youth stage--and short sighted. Then the brain develops a bit more and concerns begin to manifest. "Who am I?" "What do I believe in?" "What am I doing?" "Where am I going?"
The questions press on, create stresses and sure as grass is green, at around 25 the thoughts become stressful, long-termed and the decisions feel absolute--this is the first of many life crises that people have.
I'm not quite to that phase, the one where things seem absolute, or any of that quarter-life-panic of the sort, but it's a solid gauge for trying to answer typical twenty-something questions.
Where am I going? What am I doing? Who am I?
I was ready to go straight to law school after undergrad, I couldn't see my life playing out any other way. It honestly took some serious prodding from my sister and her boyfriend for me to even consider any alternatives (thanks Mallory, you have been the best sister I could ever ask for) I think to some degree I'd fallen into this thinking that if I weren't moving forwards (i.e., getting a degree, getting a job) I wasn't growing. Oh how wrong I was. This year may indeed help me towards some of my end goals, but as a whole, it has taken one year of my "earning potential as an employed person" away from me.
It could have taken five. If it meant five times the growth.
People define themselves very often by what they do, as if that were an accurate telling of a person. I think it's dangerous, foolish and singular minded to do such a thing. When I tell someone "I am going to Stanford Law School next year" they can make AT MOST two fairly accurate of assumptions about my person: 1) That I'm good friends with Lady Luck 2) That I want to get my law degree. Honestly, those pieces of information don't weave any narrative about me. The problem, however, is that they come up with so many more by themselves that are completely false. There has to be a better way to answer these questions about ourselves and for me, the answers haven't always been pleasant but I am thankful to give testament of how Germany, my other love, has helped me.
I imagine what my life would have been like had I taken the next "logical step". Perhaps I would have had my heading and know exactly what my life was going to entail but I don't think so. Not only that but I would probably not have discovered so many marvelous aspects about myself in such a short amount of time.
I think I've changed quite dramatically in 10 months. For people who've known me for a long time, no fear, they are so slight and fragmented that you wouldn't see a different person in front of you, but they're there. Maybe it's the simple maturation process. After all, I am far away from my family, and have been forced to learn to take care of business in a way that is very much my own way.
That, perhaps, is the thing that I am most pleased with discovering. Everyone has their own way of doing things, their own way of handling adverse situations and their own way of coping. I can go through a checklist in my head now and tell you how I would react in any hypothetical situation. Refreshing doesn't begin to describe the satisfaction it's instilled in me to be able to analyze myself in such a way. To put it plainly, the "Who am I" part of my question has been thoroughly conquered by being in ma cherie Deutschland. Now I am not naive (or at least that naive) enough to think that I won't learn more about myself each day I spend on this earth but being removed from distractions and routines that I have in America has been a clarifying experience.
There are certainly still plenty of lingering questions that I won't be able to answer and uncomfortable moments of displeasure and uncertainty but I am truly happy for the time I've spent here and I have been able to answer things about myself I couldn't imagine figuring out:
I am a confident, cheerful, slightly crazy and frustrating young man. I love my alone time almost as much as I love bringing smiles to people's faces. I love art, making it (writing) and experiencing it in its numerous outlets. I love challenges, I live day by day and hope to get better every. single. day. while watching myself fail as much as I succeed and it's okay because it drives me to keep living. I'm a son, a brother, a friend. That's who I am, and I'm completely ok with it.
They're things I hope don't change with the ebbs and flows of future careers and dreams, things I thank Germany for helping me to find out.
And she'll always have a special place in my heart for holding my hand as we took the back roads.
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