The Mistress Theory

When someone, who you care about or are close to, does something bad to you there's usually an expectation that you will receive something. Be it an explanation, an apology, or even a headache, you at least want some things to be explained to you. I mean, they did something bad something egregious, something that can't, for the love of reason be explained without cursing to the high heavens and watching the tears roll down your face in the mirror while eating ice cream with chocolate liqueur on top and a glass of straight vodka--the $5.99 kind you find in those run down liquor stores on Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd-- to chase. Well I did one of those egregious things. And the person who deserves an explanation is you. It has been almost exactly a month since the last time I wrote something in this blog. That in itself deserves a condemning, but to put it in greater perspective, it has been almost exactly 20% of the time that I've been in Germany since I've wrote something.

That's right, it's past the six month mark. I'm still ecstatic to be here. I love Germany, the people, the culture, the language (even though I still want to rip my hair out when my brain has to constantly run through a proverbial checklist of things to do quicker than my mouth spits words out), the towns, the proximity to other beautiful European nations, just an overall solid place. But that also means I've been six months away from America. Let's not jump the gun here...I may well be on my way to becoming an expat, but in no way, shape or form am I there yet. The simple truth is, I love America too. I don't know if I've already written about the wife and mistress analogy but it's a fitting one for my life.

America is my wife. I love her, I need her, she has always been there for me; but she's far away and her ever lasting appeal has worn off the longer I spend away from here.

Germany is my mistress. She's fresh, new, exciting, always longing for my attention and welcome to try new things. But like any mistress (like any 22 year old I'm an expert in all things marriage and mistresses.) there are things that she cannot help me to forget.

And now, after 50% of my time here is up, I want to do a type of mid-year preparation for the post-test I'll be taking, it won't be as comprehensive or multifaceted but it'll be a nice little study guide.

So here we go.

The Thing I Miss Most About America

My Car. A 2005 Toyota Camry XLE.

The so called "Silver Bullet," I can't explain exactly what about it I miss so much. The feel? No. The smell? No. The touch of the wheel as my fingers wrap gently around it? Now we're getting on to something. The sound of the engine gently purring as a tap the accelerator with my big toe? Ooooh. How about the freedom of going wherever I want, whenever I want, with whoever I want? Bingo. 

If I had any influence, the sales of
Sweetwater would increase exponentially overnight.

Above all that's what I miss. We're a free-spirited country, America. We don't think about what we can't do, what we shouldn't do, or why we shouldn't do it as much as other countries. I think even if I had access to a car here I would probably not have the same carefree, grab-my-keys-hop-in-the-car-and-drive attitude here. But seriously, I miss how easy it was for me to hop in the car, head to the grocery store and grab a six pack of beer. Not that bad stuff, the stuff I've been trying convince Germans exists in the States...you know, good beer. Sweet Water, Shock Top, Dogfish, yes German beer is good, but the everyday German beer has nothing on a good Sweet Water 420 Pale Ale.

Alas, I digress. I miss my car. Maybe it's in relation to gas prices? Or maybe I simply cannot fathom driving anything other than the Silver Bullet, but there's a huge void in my heart--and don't doubt me it's huge, otherwise it wouldn't be the first thing in this blog post--that cannot be filled in Germany.



Or maybe I'm just terrified to drive on the Autobahn...

The Thing I Will Miss Most About Germany

Münster/myhostfamily/myfriends/potatoes/freshvegetables/snow/readinggermanbooks/pickingfunatrandompeopleonthestreetsforwearingridiculousoutfits/beer/funnyaccents/stupidquestions*/sparklingwater/sexycars/beautifulpeoplewhoareinshape/theabsenceoffastfoodoneverycorner/spiralstaircases/bikelanes/doeners/frankfurt/cologne/münster/munich/hamburg/berlin**/germanmusic/diebundesrepublikdeutschland.

Preeeetty sure that's the one thing I'll miss the most about Germany. It was really hard to decide on just one thing but I nailed it on the head. If you asked me exactly why I would miss...this one thing, I would tell you the answer is simple really. The Mistress Theory.

Oh don't you DARE go away, I've still got a whole 'nother thought to expound upon. This is the consequence of missing a month of blogging. Perhaps you should remind me next time to split my thoughts.

The Mistress Theory (As seen on Cliffipedia)

The Mistress Theory, created in 2013 by world renowned Blogger Extraordinaire Clifford D. Mpare, Jr states that anything second similar concept (e.g. land, person, sport, food) that an individual has positive exposure to will automatically magnify the undesirable aspects of a primary, already well-known concept (e.g. land, person, sport, food). Yet the secondary concept cannot resolve discrepancies between itself and the primary concept leaving it vulnerable to becoming an ancillary.

The concept was created by world renowned Blogger Extraordinaire Clifford D. Mpare, Jr. as he sat in his bed in Münster, Germany during his one year excursion. In particular, Mpare was gauging the merits of his country of origin against the merits of his current location. He noticed a major discrepancy in the things he deemed enjoyable about about the aforementioned country and wanted to examine the phenomenon on a deeper, subsupermetaconscious***  level. It has since then been evaluated and considered for the Nobel Prize.

Unfortunately, Mpare was unable to stake his claim for the concept because he was too busy driving his 2005 Toyota Camry XLE.

FINALLY found a reason to slip some Sotfcore into my Blog! 

*These will certainly be encountered on every face of the earth. I myself ask them at least once a day to keep people guessing.

**I have yet to be to this city. It is just an assumption made by word of mouth.

***This word was created by world renowned Blogger Extraordinaire Clifford D. Mpare, Jr. in 2013 shortly after his Mistress Theory was created.