Puzzle Pieces

I am back on American soil. Have been for almost a week now and it's been more or less what I expected it to be. The familiar sights and sounds, the small things that have thrown me off (e.g. free refills and water) and sliding right back into the American way of life. This year has been a crazy ride and I can't quite find all my thoughts yet but I do want to write this down before I forget.

When I was thinking about returning to the United States throughout the year, a common theme surfaced in my head: how I'm going to look to other people after year. Not physically, of course, I don't think looks change that much in a year but I am so fearful of how my behaviors will look to someone who wasn't along for the ride. Even explaining a story to someone interested can end up sounding like a bragging Spiel. I don't want to be that guy, but it seems almost impossible not to be if I ever want anyone to know what I went through during the year. Finding no solution, I supposed it'd have to be a trial by fire.

So far I've passed.

This week was filled with reunions and there will be many more as I head back from New York to home sweet home in the heart of North Carolina. What's shocked me the most about this time being back is how quickly things with people I hadn't seen in almost a year and activities I haven't done in that same span of time seemed relatively comfortable. I may be an outlier but it was as if I activated the multitasking app on an iPhone; the moment I shifted back to the America app, things continued running the way I remember them.

In absolutely no manner does this mean there aren't things I see as uncomfortable and "oddly" out of place but I haven't yet faced those battles myself. I should thank my friends for that, we didn't skip a beat and it makes things so much better before I can get absorbed into my own thoughts of self-loathing and Germany-missing. There are so many parts of myself that I left back in Germany, I managed to haul a suitcase full of crap back with me but there are plenty of things that I couldn't throw over my shoulder before hopping onto that 787. I think I've started to realize this is simply how my life will be led. I deliberately found a second home, a land that I looked at and consciously thought, "this place looks awesome, let's start dedicating time to it." What else did I expect?

I used a Voldemort reference and Horcruxes all the way back in Deutschland but I think that's kind of how my spirit feels. There's a sliver of Clifford just roaming Germany waiting for its host to return. Certainly the sliver wandering around America is refreshed to have its host back, uncertain for how long he will stick around this time and curious as to how he will react to being in a land where the smallest nuances make the biggest cultural differences.

Yet, despite this duality that may seem troubling, it's fascinating to see my behavior since our return journey. There's more of me to be expressed and to interact with. I catch myself (more times than I might like to admit to a psychiatrist) talking to myself in German, as if I want to have a conversation with German Clifford. The one who's all those miles away just lingering, waiting. Is this a phenomenon of the well traveled bunch? I imagine the personality as a large puzzle, each piece has a dedicated spot; core traits taking their positions at the respective corners of the board.

What if, however, there were multiple puzzle pieces for each spot of the board? Two pieces that fit perfectly into each spot and corner, all completing the puzzle in perfect symmetry. There are two different ways Clifford would act if he were, say, stepping onto a basketball court with a bunch of strangers. German Clifford would, not because he's unfriendly or lacks curiosity, simply walk on the court and start playing. American Clifford would smile, say hello, ask how often these guys played here, not necessarily because he's super friendly and curious. I know this because I've been both.

Now what though? I am certain that as I place puzzle pieces in their spots as I prepare to face each day some aspects of my German Horcrux self will float into their well-deserved niche without a second notice. The red, white and blue pieces are sometimes switched with the black, red and yellow pieces.  I was gone for a year; a long enough time that I adopted habits that are not, necessarily, "normal" for American standards. Perhaps I should prepare a speech explaining to each and every person somewhere along the lines of, "Oh sorry, I was in Germany for a year, I'm just getting back into the swing of this American life. You guys do it so differently over here." Then I sound like that guy all over again.

Maybe I'll just have to get better at puzzles.