What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming
That thought hit me full blast after this weekend. The sun and Germany have finally committed to a steady relationship and Lacrosse season has begun to wind back up. We had a game this weekend and although the victory was certainly awesome and left me with new bruises and sore legs, the more lasting experience was meeting a couple of Americans.
I find it interesting--the last time I was here, I definitely felt like I had become -less- American. That is to say, I had become more aware about things around me on an international level. It might have also been because I still saw three months, one summer in Germany, as a vacation and I didn't really ever feel that far away from my America (possessive), now I do. The conversation started very organically during the game. My defender started speaking to me in english, and while I was thrown off for a moment, the pronunciation of his words, slight twang that could have been northern, and confidence to speak all hinted at one thing I've becoming increasingly good at identifying: he was American.
Honestly, earlier in the year I found the presence of Americans that I didn't know as a bit of a nuisance. I didn't want them tarnishing the beautiful job we'd done of polishing up America's reputation here. This has rather perversely changed in the past few months. Whenever I hear that beautiful American accent on the streets, in the store, on the Lacrosse field, a bit of my soul warms. I have done a bunch of Germany thrashing in the past few weeks but that has nothing to do with my love for her, it's just how much of my heart stayed home on the range.
What perhaps, hit me the hardest about our conversation after the game had ended was his analysis of being a genuine expat (he's been here since 2008). The statement was something I'd already imagined but it was much more powerful hearing it from someone else; it became more tangible than it had ever been before. He said to me "Yeah, it's get's easier. It's never easy being so far away from everything else but it get's easier." This coming from someone who hadn't seen his family since 2011 and here I am complaining about not seeing mine for nine months.
It gets easier.
Yes, I can see that. As life got more comfortable and relationships became more solid I can imagine it getting easier. I have carved out a pretty solid niche here. I appreciate my work and the environment, I have family some two hours away as a great security blanket, my host family is more than that...you might as well cross the host out, and my friends, particularly my teammates are awesome people who I love spending time around. I love living here, there are so many things I've seen and experienced in Germany. But it's still hard. It's gotten easier, yeah, I've learned what is normal, what isn't; how to get around, how to create relationships with people and I have learned so much about myself. I could imagine a life here--whether another year, five years, a lifetime but at the same time I it's hard imagine burying the past 22 years of my life in a coffin and being reborn as an expatriate.
Does that ever get easier?
Who knows, I honestly don't and I'm sure the answers will clear themselves up as I keep living, all I know is I cannot wait to touch down on American soil, grab a big greasy burger, speak english, drive with the window down and the tunes blasting and giving no cares, walk onto a random basketball court and play with complete strangers, and watch the superbowl--not hearing complaints because commercials and pauses in between plays are too long.
So if I never grab the courage to come back to Germany for an extended time, or even an open ended time...don't worry baby, it's not you, it's me.
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